I'll admit it, Tyra--I've strayed. Ever since Janice left, things just haven't been the same.
Sure, an alcoholic Lisa tried to cheer us up with such antics as
wetting herself and forming a deep and meaningful relationship with a plant--but it just wasn't the same. Not even an undercover lesbian could tempt me to come back to the fold.
Or maybe I was just too busy hating you for not devoting all of your television time to ANTM, and instead walking around in a fat suit all the time, crying and pretending to care about people who aren't models or gay sidekicks named J.
But, having had left that resentment behind, I decided the only thing to do was to look forward and try to see if I couldn't find a way to accept ANTM back into my heart--or at least my Wednesday nights.
Now, I know I can't compete with
Television Without Pity or
Four Four in terms of pure, unadulterated snarky recapping of the show, so I think I'll try something different. Maybe a little review of the website, perhaps?
Here's the top model main page from the UPN site:
http://www.upn.com/shows/top_model/I have to say, I've always been a pretty big fan of the site, where you could click on the pictures at home and really judge these hoes up close and personal.
Take a look at the left-hand side. That's right, bitches...all the former winners, all lined up in a row. Have you seen any of these hoes in Vogue? I didn't think so. Oddly enough, though, they keep popping up on "A Special Episode of The Tyra Banks Show" or in a guest spot on some other UPN show that doesn't have enough buying power to get real actresses.
Ooh! Talk model! "The Top Model Internet Talk Show." I wonder how this is different from the Tyra Banks show. I bet no one on there wears a fat suit. At least, I hope not. "Webcast LIVE only on UPN.com." OK, as much as I joke, I would totally watch this, if I didn't worry people at work would see what I was doing.
All right, now back to the main grapic on the main page, which is the "Ferngully: The Last Rainforest" or "Tinkerbell's House of Ill-Repute"--take your pic--themed photo shoot with all the girls featured. Now, please, take a look at the top row of girls, at the girl right in the middle. That's right--I'm talking about Gina. If you take an even closer look at Gina, you will see that bitch is totally flashing crotch to the camera.
Now, I need to preface what I'm about to say about Gina with the following:
1) I am not judging her solely on this incident--if you've been watching the show, then I probably don't even need to explain myself.
2) I am fully aware that the term "functioning retard" is probably thrown around way too casually these days. But for real.
Bitch is dumb as a brick. And has something of a speech impediment.
She was complaining about having an identity crisis because she's Korean, but she's also American and feels like she's torn between two worlds. What the fuck? It's not like she's sitting in the back of buses. And I have a sneaking suspicion that even if someone was being racist toward her, she'd never fucking know it, she's so dumb. Yeah, go bitch to Margaret Cho, you skinny whiner.
But then again, maybe I should take from Tyra's example and walk around a day in a skinny Korean-American suit and see how much I like it.
Back to the site...I love this pic of Tyra at the bottom, where she's being choked. That bitch sure loves her wigs. I cannot get over how much space there is between the clumps of hair on her head. I can't get over it, however, I suspect I could actually wedge my decidedly non-model-like body through the gaping spaces between the fake hair on her head.
Meanwhile, I'm totally realizing that I have already signed up for the newsletter about 3 cycles ago and am therefore a bigger loser in this case than anyone I'm making fun of, based on that fact alone.
Now we have Mercedes and Toccara, with "Where The Girls Are." I watched that and was very disappointed that no one was in jail. I wonder if Amanda's completely blind yet? Just a thought...
In any case, Toccara's being portrayed in a pretty demure fashion, what with the boat-neck sweater they've got her wearing, compared to the men's magazine covers on which she's been flaunting her massive ta-ta's. And, frankly, that's why I love Toccara. I remember the first time they asked her to pose nude, Toccara was all, "All right. Let's go." And I realized that they were going to have to come up with a new way to eliminate the token plus-size girl, cause this one was NOT a crazy, religious Christian prude who would refuse to pose naked.
And here we have the links, to the right of the main graphic:
"Meet the models of Cycle 6"
"Vote now for your favorite Model"
"Check out Tyra's Gallery"
Ah yes, here's where we get to the real meat--no pun intended. Notice how the link to "Tyra's Gallery" (is she even still modeling?) is very strategically placed at #3, instead of #1? Oh yes, again with the false humility, Ms. Banks.
Because at the end of the day, we all know the deal. It's all about you, baby.
I bet it's no accident that the only full body-shot of Tyra has her posed upside-down.
And with that, I bid you adieu, until I've got more nasty shit to say.
Wow. Here's a list from careerbuilder.com, that's supposed to include the top 10 pranks that you should play on someone at work. Each either sounds so stupid lame, it's not worth the effort, or that they would most likely immediately get you fired.
